the dance of the ink riddled fingers

i promise not to flirt

Posted in epiphany tiffany, pin the tail on the love, thought spills by enisea on 09/01/2010

Yesterday was a disaster the moment I uttered the words, “The bartender is cute”. I knew I shouldn’t even have said it, the moment I did. In fact, my sensibility was urging me to swallow the words back down and not say them at all… because I knew, I think, deeper than my surface consciousness that if I said them, it would mean following through.

It didn’t help that the bartender was actually cute, apparently the same age as me, knew how to juggle bottles and spent more time concocting my mocktails and making mine prettier than the others. Andrew, was the name of this one. Another name for another male type that I would begin ‘accidentally’ engaging with in friendly exchange until I left. So when as he did a round of collecting empty glasses and passed me, and considered, with arms full of stacked glasses, Asahi bottles and an empty can of red-bull, entertaining my request for a dance, it was probably a good thing he had to go back behind the bar to release his load, and then decide otherwise- remaining in the safety of familiarity and continue the job he is paid to work. Oh, you stupid girl. Was it not even 5 hours since that conversation with your mentor in which you identified and decided to stop or at least reduce such exchanges!

Such cheap influence of little worth! Oh superficial substance! I promise at least to try not to flirt anymore. I think for the first few whiles of withdrawal, I may need to completely remove myself from the presence of good-looking strangers.  This is probably my biggest shortfalling, well the closest thing in my line of view at the moment.  Well now I confess and now it’s out in the WWW so that my shameful habit may be illuminated in order to be dealt with.

Unfulfilling insecurities and short-term validation! Dear God, make me worth something. Help me stop this flirtatious insistence completely.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. [Proverbs31:30]

Walk me through the flames, Jesus, refine me through fire.


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