the dance of the ink riddled fingers

release to receive

Posted in epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 15/02/2010

I think, the last month has been a torturous battle of relinquishing rights over the people I once considered mine.

Having begun gradually to emerge from a very fresh battle of re-establishing who can or can’t do what, between friends- who (in this case) assumed each other to be in such close proximity within friendship that “rules” per se could be mindread, when in fact they couldn’t be, I have decided to not assume anything! (I apologise for my inability to shorten my nonsensical sentence of explanation, my literary shortfalling is that I love long sentences).  The chokehold I have insisted upon my dearly beloveds and the friendships that represented validity and safe-zone has been pried from my frozen fingers, and has ever since astonishingly burst my bubble of security… and also my insecurity regarding the matter.  I have come to grips with the fact that I own nobody and I cannot call anybody mine (not permanently assume such anyway).

I cannot assume that my best friend will (nor set the rule that she must) tell me everything.  I cannot expect the other two in my trio to only go out in my company because they are friends not only with me, but with each other. Similarly, with my sister, I cannot assume or govern her to answer to me nor respect me, I only hope that be the case.  Those who used to look up to me, I cannot continue to hope they seat me upon pedestal – lest the pedestal rot into disdain and they never grow. Also the collectives I once thought would remain my clockwork belonging, I cannot expect to never move away – lest my hope and desires for such friends to grow and progress be capped by my selfishness to keep them.

(However, there are two relationships I believe should be immoveable -although sadly not the case- and were intended firstly to last forever and secondly for responsibility to befall actions and communication between them, as required by love: is the relationships between parents and children (yet not required between siblings, only heavily preferred) & husband and wife. The fact that these two relationships have been shockingly abused on countless ocassions all over our poor broken world, go figure half of us don’t believe in love.

As I was saying, I have relinquished my rights over my friends. I own none of them. Yet this cold hard fact has obliterated my insecurities of loosing them. Because, they were never mine to lose. They are those who (have no obligation to, yet) choose to remain by me anyway…and that is delightful!  My friends, help me live as best I can, however are not my reason for living.  She who loves me now and he who loves me now, those brilliant friends I could never show sufficient appreciation for, I can only appreciate for their love for me, now, and I cannot afford (for their sake and mine) to assume they will be where I be in the future.  They do not live for me. They are their own. And I revel in their company and I love when we create together, we roam together, we learn together, we capture life together, we fight together (not against each other), we cry together, we laugh together, we feel temporarily invincible together, we worship God together… but they are not mine. And since I am yet to be wedded or have children on that part – my parents are the only ones I can expect to love me and who should always be available for me to call upon…everybody else, I’ve just realised, is a blessing. An enormous, collosal, immeasurable blessing!..but one I should not take for granted nor expect never to disappear.

So, Abba, if you were, by Your will, to ever remove one or many of my beloveds because You needed them elsewhere. Then I would be “ok” with that. The sort of “ok” that knows that you know better than both of us (and you have better for both of us) but still wants to prolong sentiment, because sentiment is familiarity and familiarity are the occasions we get to close our eyes along the path we’ve travelled before.

Get my drift?

I’m not a fantastic explainer…this I know.

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