the dance of the ink riddled fingers

How do you like me now?

Posted in epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 28/05/2010

I’ve just had the most ridiculous idea. I am about to name as many unattractive qualities about myself which I will then disregard and begin tomorrow better, having identified the stupid things about myself, not to complain about, but to realise so that they can’t get to me. I also need such reminders to humble and get over myself and to also see how petty these weaknesses, insecurities and idiosyncrasies really are.  I’m not fishing for compliments or beating myself down. I’m actually just amusing myself and/or procrastinating.

“Hello, I’m Nikki”, well I tell that to people, which is a lie, my name is not Nikki, but I do like the name. I have pimples on my forehead and my teeth aren’t completely white, they’re a little crooked actually – because I hardly wore my retainers after my braces were removed.  I learned the piano for 10 years (up to grade 8, classical) and then almost completely unlearned it, now I know what keys are what, can play a few scales, the rugrats theme and chopsticks, but not much more.  I say every year how I’ll try better at my studies and convinced myself that this year I would pride myself with all honours and high distinctions. My first assignment was one day late, the second- ten days late, and the current one…tomorrow will be two days late. I am probably unhygienic. I shower usually every 3 days; on a “clean week” I might take five showers and on an apathetic week, perhaps one or two – but I change my underwear and brush my teeth twice a day.  My feet smell really bad on wet days if rain gets into my shoes.  I have this belly that I’ve become skilled at disguising but when I don’t, I may appear to be five and a half months pregnant. Sometimes I have ingrown toenails, and I know this when I’ve neglected cutting them for a while and my toes start to hurt. I’m not very tidy and I’ve had to kill a few spiders in my room lately.  I only just got a job a week ago after about thirteen or fourteen months of unemployment. I am overly keen meeting new people when I can’t even keep up with my current friends. I try to fight for the sake of an argument and because I like people to know I have an opinion, especially during controversial topics in class or when hearing another suggestion.  I dress oddly and my face has gotten a little wider since…I don’t know, it depends what dates the photos you might compare me to display. I am an emotional eater and laugh embarrassingly loudly. Oh! I have a heavier than usual case of dandruff. I confront people when it may be none of my business and give hypocritical advice. I care too much. I care too little. I can’t seem to balance out the bouts of depression and doom with the unrealistic hilarity of particular joys.  I think anyone which a blog with photos on it and a good hand at writing is my hero. My shoulders knot up lots, they’re usually tense and quite broad (I used to swim).  Sometimes I just don’t see friends in a while to see if they miss me or if they care (I’m a brat like that). I like to make friends with backpackers and get my 2-cents in because I like the thought of being liked, even if only for a few days, a month, whatever. I have the annoying compulsive insistence that people should like me (except for possible authoritative figures which I like to fight).  Sometimes when I laugh, I fart.  I buy a lot of books but I never read them; I just think they look cool, and because I want to look cool I buy things that look cool so I might look cool having cool looking things.  I hoard things, even cardboard boxes, chocolate wrappers and “ugly” sunglasses. I try to look skinny even though I tell everyone I don’t care about magazine conventions of beauty.  I borrow things from people I don’t see often and dont return said items because I don’t go out of my way to see these people and we both forget I have them (I’ve borrowed books from Daryl, Elliot, Kaiwin & Mish; a tiara and dress from Peng; white formal gloves from Judo, and Brad left his 70’s cds at my place 2 years ago…there could be more).  I procrastinate most important things, even the things I’m passionate about, or that I think I’m passionate about.  I lose things a lot. I expect too much from people I claim to love.  I’m a sucker for sweet talkers and note-writers. I judge people all the time. Sometimes I tell God things that I don’t mean.  I tell everyone I’ll start something ambitious, but hardly do much about it. I love the feeling of running, but I don’t run.  I’m an experienced irrationalist.

I think that’s enough. This is me. This is the me that I’m going to improve. Oh, yet another ambitious idea!

Dear God, thanks for loving me regardless.  You’re amazing. You give me people who love me who far surpass my abilities, dreams and passions. You give me joy by making beautiful things, beautiful people. You forgive me of my stupidities and hypocrisies. Thank you for love. Thank you for life. Thank you for change.

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One Response

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  1. saNdra said, on 29/05/2010 at 7:40 PM

    waH! so many quailities that let us know we are human!!

    eeek! had no idea ya got so far in piano!! I still dunno how to play chopsticks ><"

    hope to catch you around at work.

    =]

    *sigh* procrastinations is one of the biggest things to overcome in uni life XD


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