the dance of the ink riddled fingers

dreams are bigger when conscious

Posted in thought spills by enisea on 04/06/2010

Hello, I just dreamed a conscious dream of being better, of saving the world.

Hello, it’s the last hour of a Thursday that I’ll never see again. My 2500-word essay (due monday) teases me – it weighs a heavy hundred percent. I started it today…foolishly.

Hello, I just wanted to say hello to somebody/anybody/everybody I know. I’m in a place this very moment where I don’t know anyone, but rather than choose somebody to call and be pathetic with, for no reason and with no planned conversation, I’ll say it to this white page of internet. Because there’s nothing much I really feel like saying, I just want your company, so for me to call and to hold the phone in silence or seat it next to me as I progress through this assignment and imagine a human in its place just doesn’t make sense.  

It’s getting a little bit hard. I do know what to do, I don’t know what to do. I find myself attracted to all manner of peoples who I can and can’t sustain friendships with, whom I can and can’t afford to spent time on, who make me want to smile and I’d wish to know in an instant yet keep a mystery as they so intrigue me that way. I find myself so brimming with stupidendous and impossible ideas and ambitions because I’m 21 and I still believe I can save the world.  I want to close my eyes and sleep and forget the weight of everything I do, yet without this weight on my shoulders, I would be without anything purposeful and/or meaningful and THAT might be the worst knowledge to be burdened with.  I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know all that much. I’m finding the bible riveting and real. Sometimes I catch myself imagining as I read, as if stepping into the motion of the then and there. I wish I could. Just right now I would breathe wishes of escaping. Not because I feel helpless, but because I feel too busy and know this process will stretch me beyond my limits as I’ve ever never known them. I should be writing the first 500 words of my assignment.  I really need to read more – C.S Lewis and Roald Dahl are the first on the list – my vocabulary is limited and repetitive. I want to do things new. I want just to be inspired and inspired and inspired today. I don’t want to live a typical ordinary something life. Goodness, I might die tomorrow. And that would be bad if death was the end…

OK, I’ll fall in love with the world and life and ambition later, and I’ll start my assignment…in 5 minutes

I find myself wanting to say stupid things lately like “I love you” and “there’s something about you…” to people I hardly know, as if to instigate awkward connections between myself and every potential friend before it’d begun.

UGH. I fall in love with everyone. It’s ridiculous.

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