the dance of the ink riddled fingers

sorry spontaneity

Posted in 52 pickup, how was your day? by enisea on 20/06/2010

My days, my weeks and my hours have been so tightly strewn together, with hardly an hour to sit aimlessly without one responsibility or another gnawing on my mind.  I am twenty-one, I can’t just live for myself anymore.  But now that I’ve discovered purpose, I miss purposeless.  But of course!  Discover one thing and discard the other only because there is no such thing as satisfaction. Not here, not in this life.

I give myself away and I commit to those whom I love. I give them all I can, myself and my abilities for a few hours, maybe a few days. I spend perhaps a handful of hours preparing for my servitude to the invisible contracts I signed with mine beloveds verbally and when I wrote their names in my diary on that certain date for that certain time.  Because I misconceive “no” as being evil and/or mean.

I miss spontaneity, but I cannot leave organisation lest I disappoint you, I will disappoint myself. I feel sad writing this. It’s a selfish thing to do. But I rather it expressed here than have it permeate my conversation or my commitments with you.  I do this…I do and don’t know why I do this.  I love my life.  If I go on a little more and get into pattern of denying myself, the joys I live will be yours and your joys that you live will be mine, and I will not have to complain about missing anything…I’m just not mature enough yet.

But a breath. But a day. But a moment.  Being a Christian is only hard for now. Later, I will be alive.


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