the dance of the ink riddled fingers

i’m not falling for your every word

Posted in epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 24/07/2010

It may be true that the more you delve, the more you doubt…but only very shallowly. I suppose after digging and digging and digging, you will eventually hit the concrete of truth that embeds the existence of everything else.

Humanity is ghosted by paranoia, especially the West-end Gen Y-ers.  We’ve been reared from birth accustomed to wearing marketing targets on our foreheads and believing the cardboard smiles that speak of how we really do deserve convenience and how it is really worth our plastic greens and our ticking wrist jewelry to pay with our attention.  We don’t do a great deal of searching because most of the time, we’re given the options that have already been sifted through some other search that we assume is correctly suited to us.  For example, the best phones are currently: the iphone, HTC evo something (the one my sister wants), nokia, something touch screen, and sony ericsson (if you, like me, drop your phone excessively and expect it to survive for the 2 year contract).  But how do I know this? I’ve never had an iphone, nor a HTC, I’ve had one nokia (which I lost 5 months new), and 3 sony ericssons over 4-5 years, yet I consider the one I’ve had most experience with and the one am more inclined to chose, as not “the ideal” – not exclusively because of price, but because I’ve been told so.

Why I am ranting about this frightful blind-sight of accepting and nodding in a hypnotised rhythm with marketing, is because I just free-fell. The most applicable parallel I have to that “stepless-free-fall” is to share the following event.  Sometimes in the process of falling asleep or waking up – that precarious shift from consciousness to unconsciousness or vise verse, I have, many a time, “missed a step” though I was not walking, nor imagining that I was.  And falling for the time that my foot failed to find solid is simultaneously eternity and a blink.  I end up awake with a gasp, musing how I “missed a step” having been laid horizontally the entire time.  Most of the time I try to remember how I got to “stepless-free-falling” and all I can recall is blackness.

I’ve been taking a couple of CRE (Christian Religious Education) classes a week of late; and in the shamefully shallow research and preparation I do for these two classes, I have just found myself confronted with the many opinions of the internet.  I mean, what better way to research a little deeper about who wrote the canonical gospels than to google it!  Correct? But unaware little me, clicked on various references that,  for a careless moment, had me “stepless-free-falling” into an abyss of endless faith-doubting questions regarding the reliability of the best-seller, the bible; and consequently, my faith.  How do I know this is real? Only to gasp back into consciousness with the countering thought of I’ve felt it, I know it’s true. Not because I’ve been told – well yes, because I’ve been told, but also because I’ve felt it myself. I’ve experienced the move of God. He has held me together upon verges of falling apart, again and again, over and over – when nobody knew. This has to be real or else this life is a complete dream wherein I do things that are apparently impossible and beautifully victorious – of course, with help.

I don’t know very much about Christianity it seems, only that the Salvation I have (which can never be exaggerated) is whole, healing, purposeful, merciful, loving, empowering, freedom, (I could go on forever)… and this simple notion maybe enough for me, but it is not enough for you. And if I want to convince you that I am not some delirious, weak, pathetic goody-two-shoes, I need to have answers and justifications to everything and I probably need to love you more.

And with that, I canter off to watch inception (apparently it’s a very good movie).

Do you have any idea what you believe in?
Oh? So, why don't you?
We're not kids anymore, you actually have to think about what you want to do with your life
or at least, what you want to believe in.
We seem to choose ignorance most of the time;
and ignorance is bliss until you lose that luxury to make a choice.

2 Responses

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  1. enisea said, on 25/07/2010 at 1:32 AM

    HAHAHAHA! I swear I wrote this 2 hours before watching the movie…

    and walking out I pondered the coincidence…this is probably all my subconscious, but I’ll honestly stare you straight in the face – i didn’t know what this movie was about. I knew it was about doing strange things in dreams is all, I watched half a trailer.

    I may be the only one slightly unnerved by this movie – everyone else seems to think it’s the coolest, cleverest thing since avatar. It’s a very curious feeling. I need to sleep – along with countless other things I need to do. But now, I don’t want to.

    Ps: i’m really, really sort of attracted to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. And no, I haven’t seen 500 days of summer.

  2. Jon said, on 26/07/2010 at 11:12 PM

    There are lots of good Christian apologetics websites and books you can read if you start running into weird theologies and seemingly convincing skeptic writings. One thing you’ll discover as you get older is that everyone has an angle, and that bias will cloud even the most reasonable discussion. The Internet is notorious for very convincing but utterly illogical and totally unfounded arguments. (read 2 Timothy 3:7, 3:14, 4:3)

    Pragmatically, my advice is to stick to orthodoxy, these ideas have been thought about, debated and tested for hundreds of years by countless of learned and spiritual people. Also stick to ideas/arguments/books that have been or are currently being looked at by the church (at large), that way you’ll have lots of good solid well researched information to refer to.

    Finally, remember most doubts have been experienced and worked through satisfactorily by probably millions of believers. That counts for something; even if just to give you the motivation to find out HOW they worked through them.

    (oh, ps: fgam (the other church i go to) is having a session next sunday about the historical basis for the bible, how we got it, etc. if you’re interested in going just msg me or something)

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