the dance of the ink riddled fingers

changeling

Posted in handfuls of ambition, how was your day? by enisea on 30/11/2010

It was Sunday again and she was finally free from the bulk of her previous responsibilities. Yet she wondered still, why many of her aspirations and passions hadn’t yet been accomplished or begun.  It seemed that she had been lending her time to a dishonest leak whereby none of it would be returned.  Her time had been decided as the main currency for the expense she perceived these dreams might cost her .  But the little thief, the repeat offender, called Distraction, had convinced her often that her daydreams and her directionless habits wouldn’t take long.  But now, months after relinquishing large gulps of valuable time, she was sick of the re-realisations of little progress.

So, on Sunday there came a thought that was just as refreshing as it was aggressive. Something in me has to change this week. Something in me has to change every week. Something in me always has to change. I cannot afford to stay the same, I am not sufficiently “good” enough to remain the same. 

Yesterday, I cannot say much was accomplish, nor was anything changed.  Today, I began sinking into cold habits of lazy days.  Change begins today.  I am becoming repulsed by my unshed skin of last year.  There is so much work requiring addressing that I cannot maintain my self-revolving, self-obsessed, appease-everyone nature. I have dreams to chase, a God to pursue, and virtues to learn. 

These kids need me more than I know.  Not to say I am “oh so very important” but there are very few others who will avail themselves the way I know these children need people available…  and five years ago I said I’d do it for them… I haven’t yet.

I need to change. I need to change. I need to change.

I’m so hungry for a better change.  My pattern of revolving-door, useless habits have made routine of shallow joys, but my spirit needs deeper. We need to live, to live with faith and hope, to aspire, to chase, to risk, to venture uncertainly, to be passionate, to trial and error, to make educated guesses, to try anyway because something needs to be done, to listen, to seek the guidance of One with grander perspective than us…

We need to love.  We need to love so much more than we do – aside from the “I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine” policy!  We need to know how to love unrequited, without regretting it, without despairing or growing colder.   We need to know that the commitment to love, requires no return. 

So much in me has to change.

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2 Responses

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  1. karlyn said, on 30/11/2010 at 2:32 PM

    I am at the very same point in my own life.

    This was encouraging. Thank you,

    • enisea said, on 01/12/2010 at 10:11 AM

      Ah! This comment is encouraging! Thank YOU!
      It’s always somewhat comforting knowing we’re not alone in an uncomfortable place wanting to be somewhere else.

      Step one to leaving apathy: want otherwise.
      Step two (the hard one): do something about it.

      Thank you Karlyn, you’re incredible – I can tell :)


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