the dance of the ink riddled fingers

two by two

Posted in 52 pickup, heroes of mine by enisea on 13/12/2010

It’s begun.

I’ve been in and out, up and down, and through thick and thin with three guys in particular of the nine or so guys I consider relatively close.  It’s been about four or five, or maybe eight years that I can say I’ve been close to them.  Sure, we’ve had some really down time times and some vicariously incredible times…and now, we’re growing up. Now we’re not just really, really good friends anymore.  We have our own lives to live – as we’ve always had.  But now more than ever because now I’m not the girl who loves them most, not from this point forward.

Haha, yes.  This princess is beginning to learn than she is not the default priority female company, now that all three are in relationships.  Eh.  I am happy for them… and sad (very, very sad) at the same time.  I actually drove home in a pretty zombie state last night.  They’re not mine anymore.  Of course, true to ungrateful patterns, I only appreciate what I should have cherished the entire time, when it begins to taper off.  It’ll take me a little while to get used to, and I know I definitely will become accustomed to this…and the shrunk attention – but right now, let me mourn.

I love you guys. I love you, really truly.  You each have a unique dual capacity to drive me crazy and make me feel a million!  And now that you’ve found beautiful counterparts – it’s your turn to feel like a million – because I probably didn’t return much of the love.  I’m a brat like that.

Thank you for sticking. Thank you for putting up with my rubbish, my prejudices, my hypocrisy, my preaching, my nagging, my tantrums, my insecurities, my unnecessary boastings, my fears, my narcissism, my complaints and my silences.  Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving me.  I don’t appreciate any of you often enough, but I will for at least today.  You’re amazing. You know who you are. All three of you.

Today collects a couple more droplets to the many tears I’ve shed with/for/at you.


I suppose you could call it jealousy. In the mildest, ugliest, saddest form.  I never imagined this would happen when I always knew it would.  Today I’ll be mostly sighs. I’ll inhale the festivities later.  God forbid these friendships ever die and I’ll still see you probably weekly, hopefully weekly, but we’ll all change and you all have someone closer to devote yourself too.  So right now I believe it’s warranted to cry a little over it.


One Response

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  1. linnykins said, on 29/12/2010 at 6:08 PM

    Hello from New Zealand! I’ve been reading some of your posts and you’ve got a cool blog :) I know what you mean about realising that you’re no longer top priority eh.. it takes a bit to get used to sometimes and knowing that it’s changed now. Anyhow, congrats on graduation too!

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