the dance of the ink riddled fingers

my collapsed cabinet of categories

Posted in 52 pickup, epiphany tiffany, pin the tail on the love by enisea on 04/02/2011

As much as my room is a catastrophic excuse of a lazy mess, I love to categorise.  It’s funny, there’s not a lot that I’m able to apply my “love for sorting” to, therefore, for the few things I do apply it to, I usually over do it.  Now, what shames me most is that of all the things to categorise, I am the worst offender to have applied it ridiculously to…people.

In three simple, ugly words: I Judge People.

Are you horrified? I am. I do this all the time, I fall in love people I don’t know, then excitedly invest myself into this friendship and begin to know them.  Ahhh, beginning to know people is like opening a can of worms (the most delicious can you’ve ever known), they might even be gummy worms, but they’re still a can of worms – and I’m overwhelmed by imperfection so I fumble the lid back over and file them away in my cabinet under a range of categories: “surprisingly annoying”, “lacking passion”, “foolish in relationships”, “selfish”, “no control over tongue”, “does not love me enough”, “tells half-truths mostly”.  So my futile search for perfect people masqueraded under the claim of which I deemed was for beautiful people. For of course! Perfect people would be  the most beautiful creatures you’d ever have laid eyes on and ever have known. Alas, as far as I’m concerned, my search has never produced a “successful find” in that regard. I haven’t found any perfect people.  In fact, I think this underlining and unruly desire has sabotaged many of my recent friendships.

I asked God this morning to dissect me, I knew there was something really wrong in something I was doing and this was the first thing to come up.  Such as awful, awful truth.  He opened me quite easily – within half an hour of my asking him, mind you – and took it from the surface and suddenly I dreaded an inspection that required greater depth – because if this was on the surface, what is beneath is even more detestable.

I don’t know how to look at people anymore.  Having spilled categories all over my mind has really ruined my neat “putting away” of people with elements of undesirable at least to arms length.  My memory has tortured me with the guilt that most of my starved friendships have been my neglect of empathy. Yes, empathy, not sympathy, nobody ever needed my sympathy, they needed me to understand because I could from the start. I understood because I was the same, I always was, I always will be, imperfect and broken but I refused to believe it because I appeared to be functioning as per normal and many people on occasion told me I was beautiful and/or amazing, so I took their word and never challenged it, there was never a need to inspect my own jolly can – which turns out, is a ghastly sight.

Here’s to somber thought and a million apologies, I suppose if you’re reading, you know exactly who you are, most likely everybody on my whole darned radar.  I’m sorry for trying to pin something near perfect onto you and being disappointed when it didn’t stick. I’m sorry for judging you and poisoning memories of you to make pushing you to the side easier. It turns out, we have a very twisted case here, indeed. I discovered, talking to a dear dear friend of mine who argued people needed the chance to be loved, regardless how messed up because that’s what love does – which I agreed with in theory but seldom applied in practice.  Always keeping my walls up and myself protected from heartache, from heartbreak.  I loath both and am yet to be heavily inflicted as I consequently refused to love if the risk was bigger than I… it is always bigger, so my love was always limited.

Honestly, I’m stunned about my definition of love right now. I keep finding a bigger container for its definition and the ridiculous thing never fits for long before breaking my feeble plastic thoughts and beckon me find a bigger one. I just…

want so much to be perfect.

And I need so much to be loved.

Thanks for the years and months and days of some truly beautiful, beautiful friends who have loved me, even after seeing my can of worms, and having it in your face.  I can stop faulting you now and start trying to love you completely.  Honest to goodness, I’m remorseful and appreciative.  You really are incredible and beautiful and trying to be better, so I’ll try with you and we’ll get to better sooner than we’ll get to perfect so I’ll surely join you on the more successful road to “betterdom”!

Hahaha, I have the capacity to be the greatest idiot, ever!

The first line of a song has never hit me so hard before. “Found love beyond all reason”.  Beyond all reason.


3 Responses

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  1. The Gods of Vice said, on 05/02/2011 at 12:17 AM

    Hmmm, maybe if you if you shifted your perspective on the perfect individual as being someone who was in fact, imperfect, you’d have so much more luck! Unfortunately there is no such thing as the perfect person, we are fallible, we are all weak at something. But it doesn’t make us any less special- to someone.
    Maybe it is not that you have yet to find the perfect person, maybe it is more you have yet to find the person who truly accepts you for all that you are and allows you to simpy be.
    I don’t think you are any less a person for judging people, every single one of us does that, whether we are conscious of it or not!

  2. The Gods of Vice said, on 05/02/2011 at 12:18 AM

    by the way I like the title of your entry

  3. facebook said, on 17/02/2011 at 10:19 PM

    i love it

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