the dance of the ink riddled fingers

time poor and everything

Posted in 52 pickup, epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 17/02/2011

My most valued currency has begun playing an elusive game with me, of course only when I started to appreciate it and realise how very precious it is. Time; that which all of humanity has annual equality in… I am trying to be more effective and wise with.

I want to save the world.  But I’m not the only one.  Another with similar aspirations would understand how limited one feels when being told “to focus all energy in depth in minimal activity as to have a lasting impression there” because apparently spreading oneself thin is unwise. I speak as though I oppose this claim. I do. I know it holds elements of truth.  Yet I also know that unless you spread yourself thin, you really haven’t explored your capacity.  The only way you know how much an elastic band can stretch, is by stressing it and possibly breaking it.  Now there is little and much sense in my saying this. I believe it is vital to know yourself. Knowing what you can and cannot handle can be life changing, but the only way you have ever discovered what you could not handle in the past was by failing to handle it, yes?  However, what you could have handled at the age of 9, 13 and 17 are starkly different to what you can handle now.  Therefore, go ahead to push yourself to a new level because there is a huge chance you’re much more capable of handling “life” now than you were way back when!

Haha, this is probably my irrationally ambitious wide-eyed-naivity speaking. Yes, yes timing varies with scenarios and is a determining factor… and somethings require the “easing into” approach, and I’m aware of this.  Additionally, what I’ve just said is probably too top heavy, and is not the wisest of my unwise suggestions.  I just don’t know! I suppose this strike to caution has risen from my distaste of bored twenty-something year olds spending every fourth hour shopping, every third hour gaming, every second hour facebooking and every hour complaining/wishful thinking. Yeah.  You know what? You’d be a lot less envious of the people you stalk on facebook if you left your lazy complacency and tried to live a little.

Here’s a start – a facebook link that might be worth investigating:!/group.php?gid=148933925130686

You can spend all your time wondering if it’s the right thing to do in the confines of your imagination, or you could try it and realise it was/wasn’t (and what? Risk letting people down? You do that enough as it is, perhaps the pressure of keeping that to a minimum might make you think outside yourself).  Or if that’s too confronting, try this: Please, just do something. Links courtesy of a golden girl.

In the mean time, on my pedestal high-horse, I want to assure you that I speak to the mirror also.  I’ve been too self-absorbed lately and I’m trying to do little things that channel my time resources into better places and weigh heavier on the scales of purpose and meaning… like no more than 4 hours of television weekly and likewise for facebook (I was previously consumed by both – and just as unsatisfied by them)

Gee, email that friend you had meant to catch up with and never did, go through your phonebook and smile at that contact you used to love the company of but forgot about recently and give them a warm little tug. Just go and make somebody feel like they were worth every heartache they may have caused because somewhere in the stink of life – they stimulated smiles, roars of laughter and/or sighs of understanding.

I’m so ashamed of all the friends I’ve forgotten.  So I go and make new ones to make myself feel better…

Tomorrow would mark my first three weeks of working as a teacher, and first two actually teaching. It’s riveting and tiring. I didn’t take much out of four years of study – well that’s a stupid thing to say, isn’t it? I mean, I learn plenty of head-knowledge, even the portions that I can remember are invaluable…but actually working in the job and being the primary carer for the 2-3 hours that each session goes for really jogs one’s mental capacity.  Administrative work has been nightmarish, planning has been slow because I have no template, much of the things I do take me double the time I expect because I have to create a template and only hope that my creativity structures the most efficient template – so hopefully next year’s enrolment and year-commencing paperwork will take a quarter of the time it’s taking me now, because being new, uncertain and cautious annoys me.  I’m uncomfortable with being afraid of most things I do – I’m eager to move past this current apprehensiveness – though I love my job.

Anyway, I need to mow through this all over the weekend because next Wednesday begins college and apparently there is plenty of paper to devote myself to there, too!  So I must be on top of things – which means the weekend will involve me chaining myself to the desk and sewing pockets on things and brain-storming ideas for being the best kindergarten teacher in my household (…when I’m more ambitious, I’ll say “in my neighbourhood”, and then “in the world”).

I’ve been hearing more about this big company and it’s corruption and that.  I honestly think that if you wanted to, you could fault every darned organisation just for being run by humans. It is our nature to be horrible, that is why the “amazing” person is so revered, rare and craved. Everybody wants to make a profit – that’s why we’re all so poor.  Anyway, ask no questions, hear no lies. I’m petrified of challenging everything because right now I couldn’t handle knowing how fake everything is and the lack of geniunity in every organisation that paves the ordinary path of middle class me.  Haha, think about it – or don’t.  Everything from our music, our cameras, the cars we drive, the places we eat, the things we watch, the coffees we drink, the holidays we yearn for – somehow they’re all hemmed in by the guilty stand of somebody’s greed. Hah, it’s a horrible thought – but they make life convenient and we enjoy life because of them, some of the time. Life is so unreal.

I am nothing without the strength of my God. 

I’m trying to be something with Him… it’s a slow progression

It’s hard being selfish.

It’s hard being selfless.

It’s just hard all the time.

Regardless, what I love about hard things is that boredom cannot touch me… it hasn’t in a very long time.


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