the dance of the ink riddled fingers

talk of God

Posted in pin the tail on the love by enisea on 02/03/2011

When people ask if God ‘talks’ to me, I say yes.  But it’s not the audible talk of the standard human voice – it’s not the booming command of some stand-off-ish supernatural entity either. It’s just conversation: sometimes subtle, sometimes direct, sometimes in very gradual parts, sometimes in smiles, always divine.  Like any of your favourite voices, there’s something about it that you train yourself to, it’s the joy of learning the patterns in which they speak. Be it the way they make a point, their sounds of joy, when they’re not so, their sense of humour, their different smiles, their whispers of suspicion, their grief, their brutally honesties.  The familiarity of frequency (both definitions) is something you become better at comprehending. It’s the same thing with God.  It’s been a long work in progress but I think I’m at a place where I honestly could not go without speaking to Him because (hahahahaha) He completes me.  This said, my conversation and prayers are just beginning to regularly involved others – I used to just talk to Him about, well… me.

I’ve never known a greater intimacy – and I don’t expect to.  Sure, I haven’t exactly had any sort of human companionship to assure you (uselessly) “I’ve been in a relationship and it’s got nothing on being a Christian”.  But there’s a certain limitation between the degree of intimacy to be had between people.  I say this because many, many, many a time I would wonder why my friends and family weren’t as close as I wanted/needed them to be.  It’s because we, being broken, can only love as much as we have been loved.   The only way we know how to do, to love especially, is to have been loved that much.  Now my problem with people was that they could not love me as much as I yearned for – (greedily) I always wanted more.  And trust me, I’d been loved a lot – my family and friends are some of what I’d deem top crop!  But insomuch as they loved me…combined, it was not whole and I was still broken.  Now my solution I’ve/I’m discovered/discovering, is that there was/is One who is not broken, who is not incomplete and who has this incredible ability to love completely, love unconditionally, love agape.  I could not resist… He was/is irresistible.

I am loved. Loved in the fullest sense of the word.

I am whole so long as I’m not apart from Him – which is why I can’t be for very long.

So, I’m learning to love with a greater capacity, but love is only learnt through example and I can only love a little more than I have been shown by humanity because I have been loved overwhelmingly by He who defines Himself as love, as light, as life.

So yeah.  This whole Christianity thing is wonderful.  It’s not so much a religion as a relationship I devote myself to religiously.  But unlike some relationships which others worship, this one teaches me to be better, less selfish, and more encompassing of everybody else… not to mention reprimanding anytime I withhold love from each person.

This is the most jealous relationship I have ever had and will ever expect to have, because somehow, every time I step away from it (usually via taking it for granted and ‘accidentally’) my world seems to happen all wrong and joy depletes and bitterness simmers.  This is when I despise myself and since I hate so much when I’m like this, I try not to get like this and cling with beaming smile to the hand of Love.

Hahaha, so for those who contributed to the choreography of raised brows when I spoke of beginning my Graduate Diploma in Theology, please know that I am absolutely ecstatic about it!  There is no book more intriguing than the Bible or as brutally and horribly revealing about the state of humanity (and why we’re so incapable of loving).  FYI, it’s the only religious book that tells of the failings of it’s ‘heroes’ – who, in earnest, are probably the most unsuspecting collective of individuals you’d ever imagine would represent some perspective of the heroicism of God.  I love it!

Ps: if you love debate and think that Christianity was the invention of a brilliant liar, then accept this invitation to walk uncertainly into a church (mine) and sit in on the visit of a scientist who will tell us how DNA proves the existence of God.

Anyway. I just had to put it plainly.  I’m in love with God – mine and yours.


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