the dance of the ink riddled fingers

wonderful panic

Posted in epiphany tiffany, how was your day? by enisea on 06/05/2011

I have had this wonderful jolt to my system.  Let’s just call it ‘growing up’, for the sake of my lacking originality.  Heck, what does ‘growing up’ actually mean? Yes, yes, it has a stigma of ‘mature’, ‘realistic’ and ‘mundane’… no, no, it’s not at all horrible.

This week in particular I’ve had a wonderful sort of panic.  I’ve been washed in notable levels of disappointment and lip-bitten hindsight. I’ve been silenced mid-flight complaint and humiliated by both the lack of words and overabundance of it.  I’ve had my breath robbed by the wonderful (and I use this adjective sincerely), wonderful challenge of improving.  My current ability and motion has been illuminated as really quite poor, and I am trying (with the little ability I have) to remove myself from this rut of “I am enough”.

Today I entertained myself with the fact that I was probably a horrible kindergarten teacher and had a mental giggle or two to myself about how many years it might take me to begin resembling the positive light of teacherdom.  Don’t misinterpret this as a self-despising pessimism, I held so much hope against this statement and washed myself with a little cold reality… I’m not where I could be.  Put aside such aspiration to be a good teacher, and I sheepishly cower at the expectation that I might be a good student. My student life, for as long as I can remember has been riddled with complacency and the arrogance of never failing, taking for granted opportunity and resource, and shaming punctuality with the convenience of sleep.  Although I may ‘enjoy’ studying for a moment or a time, I regale the remorse that is my disorganisation and almost insufficient motivation.  I blame my social life, but take a closer look at that and consistency is non-existent.  My poor friends! How I have defined ‘friendship’ with sparsity.  Ah, but socialisation comes secondary to availing myself to church, correct?  Alas, my spiritual strength is a splinter of the toothpick that I wish it were.

See, if there’s one to scoff at, it’s me.  Behold, this wonderful panic has befallen me.

I need to get out of this. I need to change.  Ugh, the length of my pathetic shadow is an eye-sore and contradiction to my words, they render them invalid and of little credibility.

So this week I’ve been in the panic that is: realising how much more documentation and parent communication I need to establish for a successful kindergarten year, cleaning my abominable room, starting and finishing next Wednesday’s assignment, meeting/calling/messaging/postcarding my friends, catching up on backlogged devotions, trying to remember to say Hello to the Holy Spirit, recognising the urgency to stop abusing my body via neglect of exercise and consumption of useless food addictions, and realising I really don’t love that many people – and the few I do, I don’t do often enough…

Essentially, wait for it, I want to be a better person.  Hahaha, I love how the revelation of truth laughs at my imagined airbrushed reflection. I’m actually a pretty horrible person – inside my mess of hoarded emotions and unrelenting selfishness (but you don’t really know me so you wouldn’t know – I keep passwords on my dark vaults).

That is all. I love that I cannot stand being ‘here’, though I love it at the same time. If this is growing up, I agree.

Altogether separate: music therapy: Charlie Lim EP launch, Sunday @ The Toff – I’ll be perched on the merch, so pop over for a fiddle, a diddle and a dance with the spoon!


One Response

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  1. dad2dave said, on 06/05/2011 at 10:40 PM

    yo, i can totally see where your going with this, with how crazy life gets (and the love of sleep), we sometimes see ourselves being selfish, and we can see that with the disciples with Jesus who could not even stay awake for an hour to pray with him.

    Also neglecting our bodies, we are so much in a rush all the time that we can not even wait half an hour for a good meal, instead we buy maccas, kfc, and any other junk that is cheap and takes 5 minutes, and if we are waiting more then 5 minutes for a meal that will destroy our body, we get angry. I was at maccas the other day and this lady is sitting in line waiting for a chicken wrap and she had been waiting 10 minutes and was complaining.

    “I’m not where I could be.” I think this is a place a lot of us fall into, its like we are called to do great things but some of us are just content where we are, its as if we get ‘comfortable’ with where we are and God sometimes gives us a shove, but if we don’t want to budge, we won’t, a lot of people say they are stubborn, but when it comes to doing what God says, I think a lot of us turn stubborn, or have doubt whether it is God speaking.

    Great thoughts you bought out!

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