the dance of the ink riddled fingers

right versus left

Posted in thought spills by enisea on 16/05/2011

The last few months has been a hurricane of confused priorities.  This has been turmoil for me, as I have ideals and theories, no correct answers but an abundance of incorrect answers.  Give me a map to a single destination with clear instructions and a hundred to-do’s and I’d smile and go my merry way.  Believe it or not, I love being told what to do when I know it’s right.  Haha, yes, the clause is when I know it’s right.  Which is exactly my problem – I don’t really know what is right all the time. Because life isn’t beautifully black and white like math, where the right answers are somewhere towards the end of the book and algorithms can be learnt, memorised and applied in every relevant situations.  But you know all of this.

The progress of 2011 has been a tug-o-war between progress and disappointment.  The last month has amplified this to a battle between my own emotions and characteristics, which is as unpleasant and nonsensical as if my right and left sides hated each other.  My right side prides itself on independence, credibility, example, honesty and everything ten commandment-esque; my left side is much more liberal, loves all, accepts all and believes in a better humanity and that it every sort of unity begins with (fun) fellowship.  Both I love and both I hate, for the moment I lean too much to one side, my arms flail about and all of me falls – both right and left.  

My right side has regularly shined my “goody-two-shoes” from childhood, keeping me well presented and from all sorts of heartache and trauma, due to my fear of stepping over the line and making a mistake.  This said, it has also turned me into a self-ordained pharisee from midday to midnight (during high tide and new moon).  My left side has been the liberal and all-encompassing love for all people, be they opposite to me on every level – chosing for me, people over responsibility, and rebelling against the invisible systems of media and convention.  My left side neglected all the ‘properness’ of life: homework, respect for inconvenient rules, paperwork, academics, cleanliness, serious organisation, health/fitness and finances.  In essence, unbalanced I ruled my mannerisms into margins of disproportion.

The inconsistent and violent sways from right to left was exactly the motion to keep some part of me constantly in guilt and disappointment.  It seemed that when I had satisfied one side, I had disappointed the other.  Which, to somebody of many desires and many dreams, can be debilitating and heartwrenching.  Which is why I cannot rely on myself, I fail too much.  Thank God, God doesn’t!

I was told last night that I was my own worst enemy – and as I were, that struck the bell home, hard.  It seemed the overbearing insistence that one side impossibly prevail over the other was governed by my insecurity.  Hahaha, back to insecurity… always back to insecurity.  And from insecurity back to love… always back to love.

What if there was never a reason to feel guilty? What if love wasn’t performance based?  What if it were unconditional?  What if the moment I stuffed up, Love presented Himself available, because I needed love more in my failings than my successes (and appreciated much more too).  Ah dear, the last couple weeks I’ve been met with a few of my least favourite questions, they are “how are you?” and “what’s been happening?”.  I only like it if you’re asking sincerely and have the time for me to honestly reply; alas these two questions perpetuate a horrible default reply “good, thanks”, “nothing much”, respectively.  And each time I pause, think about it and want to reply about a paragraph, I am only afforded the time to fit in a very disjointed sentence, because the asker has already begun to move away or look restless.  I hate it when words lose their meaning – it all becomes very tragic.  I like words a lot, and I think that life and death are in the power of the tongue, so when people say things they don’t mean or think about, it never fails to vex me.  Hearing “I know that’s what I said, but I didn’t mean it!” Then WHY did you say it? “Oh, I’m really sorry but I’ve got a few errand to run, talk to you later?” WHY did you begin asking about me if you didn’t have the time to hear me out? And let’s be honest, you have no intention of talking to me later. On a totally distracted note, talking to Wes after church was really nice, because he gave me his undivided attention and ignored or reluctantly turned to others who interrupted the conversation.  It was really nice just to be treated like that, respectfully.  I’m going to try to do that now.

I DIGRESS.  I was meant to say that being asked “how are you?”, I’ve not known whether to be honest about slight struggles and confusions or reply of resilient and joyful response.  Thing is, I appreciate both and I don’t like either the, ‘always happy, never sad’ image, nor the ‘constantly on an emotional rollercoaster’ image.  I find it refreshing hearing very heartening, positive and optimistic outlooks and approaches, because the glass is hopefully half full.  However, I also love hearing from happy, joyful, funny people, that they’re not doing so great, not because I take pleasure from their hardship, but because I find honestly and snippets of vulnerability, irresistible.

My point? I don’t know if I have one.  All I know that balance is required in everything and moderation does not dilute passion…inconsistency does.  Haha, back from a blog-free week and I write again with little conclusion.

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