the dance of the ink riddled fingers

my choice of eating disorder (written 6 months ago)

Posted in 52 pickup by enisea on 01/11/2011

You know I’ve wondered before whether I could become anorexic or bulimic.  I liked the idea of it in a couple of moments when I thought I was inflating horizontally more than I liked.  I’d try to sensibly reason, “beauty is not found in thin figures”, which was fast countered by “and it’s probably not found in large ones either”.  I’d look at my stomach and feel very ashamed, very embarassed and totally insecure.  I remember walking around all the time trying to make sure I was sucking my stomach in enough.  Back in the days, my other teenybopper friends were thin and beautiful and I was on the outskirts of flirtatious efforts merely because I looked like the beginning stages of a teenage pregnancy.  Haha, nowadays, I’m much less embarassed with my body, but then again, I know my shape well and know exactly how to dress to disguise the more undesirable parts of me.  Haha, if you’ve only known me recently, well there are photos where I look like at least 5 different people. I tried to entertain the thought a little but found that my struggle was that I was just too attached to food, which was how the problem started in the first place!  “Calories” meant nothing to me, carbs meant everything.  My chief satisfaction in regards to meals were not that they were delectible and tasty, but that it filled me.  I wanted to feel full, and the more food on the plate for the least money’s worth, the more I felt like a rich little pig.  It was not until after high school where that giant penny finally dropped, ringing a direct correlation between eating and how the body then developed.  I always thought that it was paranoia and anxiety that made people take care in what they ate… I was wrong, they were the smart ones.

Let’s be frank, I’m not sure I’m completely apart from the those characteristics of disorderly eating practices.  And I’m being completely serious too.  Oh, you don’t have to worry about me becoming skeletal, my issues are in binge eating – which, according to Eating Disorders Victoria, is one branch of the unhealthy dietary practices.  But hey, I’m trying to swim once or twice a week and so lately I’ve been feeling justified in my excessive eating habits… that’s probably not a good thing.  You know, when anyone mentions ‘self-control’ or ‘lack of self-control’, my first immediate thought is ‘food’. 

Being a teacher makes me want to be healthy.  Because seeing children begin unhealthy diets from the age of three is quite heartbreaking and so I must model that practice I wish for them to practice.  Little by little.

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