the dance of the ink riddled fingers

hello, i’m back again

Posted in epiphany tiffany, handfuls of ambition, how was your day? by enisea on 31/12/2011

“Hello, I’m back again,” I say, which is a funny thing to say when I’ve never been here before.  Never sat outside with Hillary and just written to the sound of the gushing water of my father’s DIY water feature or the granduer view he arranged, eating mangoes for breakfast.  Never eaten mangoes for breakfast, and I still can’t say I like mangoes, but until a month ago, I wouldn’t touch the stuff.  Yet, of late, I’ve been convinced that if my mother tells me to eat it, it’s probably a good idea.  So over the last three occasions I have actually braved the beautifully coloured fruit, I have gradually learnt to flinch less with each bite and enjoy the aftertase.

Sitting in the slowly rising warmth of a filtered sunshine, meekly I greeted this morning, the last of it’s kind.  Filtered by the shadeclothes my father hung to protect his five hundred “other children” (orchids), I sat with my rival siblings of long green leaves and flowerless bulbs, protected from the brilliance of our lovely Sun’s smile.  I love it when she smiles, though yesterday I may have been drawn too close to her and our more passionate encounters usually see me walk away burnt.  I let her kiss my nose, lips, shoulders and upper back yesterday, and I’m just that little bit more delicate because I chose to frolick in her presence at a beautiful beach with friends who are practically family, for seven hours.  She brandishes a cruel sort of warmth, with intensity that few a weathered man can brave the fullness of for long.  A commanding sort of presence – of which we find unbearable yet nonnegotiable; we adore and we fear, and I suppose I understand then why people believe in the Sun god, though I do not, I believe in the One God.

* * * * *

“Hello, I’m back again,” I say, which is a funny thing to say when I’ve never been here before. Never been to the last day of 2011 before, nor felt the thought of “Next Year” to have ever emitted so much mystery.  For as much as I know that I have a job, five units of study, a supportive family, a church community, close friends, a boyfriend, and ambitious projects in line for 2012, these distinguishable subcatergories all seem to be auspicious tips of the same immeasureable iceberg.  So you can imagine the welling expectation of being hugely excited and equally terrified with both the achievement and responsibility, respectively, that 2012 has so far winked at me.   I have this childish glee and curiosity of circling a suspiciously huge package, prodding at parts and analysing the shapes it seems to suggest, yet for the most part I’ve no blue clue what’s concealed in the unfamilar arrangement of these four little digits.

Yet, contrary to every other year, where I have let life take me to wonderful places and beautiful people… this year: role reversal; I’m to take life to wonderful places and beautiful people.  This new sort of intention to make things happen rather than let them happen is both delightful and very charging…but it’s going to mean that I need to know what I want/need to make happen – this, God, is something I’m not so sure of but something I know you are.

* * * * *

“Hello, I’m back again,” I say, which is a funny thing to say because it’s light and void of the disappointment I just experienced when I had written something of an honest moment just then replicated and obviously different because the original post was lost through a broken window an hour or so ago.  But even in the inconvenient experiences, there still exists strangely hopeful lessons.  What if everytime something went wrong, rather than wearing the victim’s rags of disaster, I could merely reappear and bravery say, “Hello, I’m back again”.

Dearly beloved, if 2011 wasn’t your finest or proudest year, step into tomorrow with a brave face and say, “Hello, I’m back again”, though it’s a funny thing to say when you’ve never been there before…

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2 Responses

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  1. Charlie said, on 02/01/2012 at 8:08 PM

    bestest wishes for the new year nic, i really like the thought of being and taking life to the world =)

    • enisea said, on 05/01/2012 at 4:10 PM

      heyy and happy new 2012, charlie :) thanks for the support!


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