the dance of the ink riddled fingers

dependent

Posted in how was your day?, pin the tail on the love by enisea on 05/02/2012

Between the shameless excess of PDA (physical displays of affection) and the arrogance of intimacy-phobes, we’ve all been framed and wrongly accused. Yes, I’ve too often scoffed at both when all they needed was understanding or at least an attempt at empathy, nobody ever needed my judgement.  Alas now, finally stamped with the judgement of others, I suppose I can afford a wry smile at my previous and very young prejudice.

With a laugh I’ll take you back about five years, when leaning on the back of the old church pews, I playfully imagined with a friend how un-needy I’d be as a girlfriend (because that’s like, so uncool).  I remember stating something along the lines of, “Yeah, I’d be fine not seeing my boyfriend for a week, or even just once I week. Yeah, I wouldn’t really need him!” laughed a big-headed young and “independent” seventeen year old.  My dear seventeen year old self, if you saw no need for a boyfriend, why on earth would you have one?  Which would appropriately identify why I didn’t have one… until now (when I’ve finally realised I’m not exactly – nor would I want to be –  “independent”, or content doing life singular).

Independent.  That’s what I wanted to be, when I wasn’t sure how much my loved ones meant and mattered to me.  But I didn’t realise this proud state, the claim to being Independent was merely Glorified Isolation in a confused western culture. You know you can’t be independent of others without being a hermit? It is pride at its cruelest.  Bragging rights to not needing anyone, in living without having anyone. It’s minimal ties and an untrusting nature. It’s hard and it hurts and it doesn’t get much deeper because if and when it does, it turns the heart to stone and concretes the walls.  It’s self-destructive and inhumane.  I like needing people – I like being needed – it makes me human and very much flesh and blood.

Hahaha, it’s hard to do much else than just ignore insensitive comments or harsh character accusations of those who’ve little understanding.  This said, even those having experienced a similar scenario have no reason to even approach or have dealt with it similarly, and why should they? They and I – however same same or different – are not each other.  But hey, if you want to tell me about how good or bad you’re progressing with your dearly beloved, I’ll do my best to try and understand – because I’m now familiar with the negligible statements of the un-understanding. Simply put, I’ve had to eat my own words.

So I know it’s only been nine days, but I miss D a little.  More over the weekend than anything.  Go ahead and judge me.  If you knew what it was like having such an amazing person around every other day, you’d miss him too.  The weekend’s nearly over – thank God!  Six days til I see him. Oh shame, I’m counting down…

Enough of that, the pressure’s relieved now that I’ve said it. I just couldn’t pretend it didn’t at all effect me! I’m dependent like that. And I wanted to be obvious and honest (though he’s already heard a little of it and I’m glad he instead replies to the other conversation, not addressing my few statements of noticing his absence. Hahaha, it’s funny how some people respond exactly as we need them to. I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t want to talk about it. Now that I’ve said it, I don’t think it’d be much of a problem). Hahaha! (One could only hope!)

That is all. Good of you to read my word vomit.

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