the dance of the ink riddled fingers

and i will try, to fix you.

Posted in epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 05/03/2012

I’ve briefly revisited an old pastime of trying to fix things – except that by ‘things’, I mean ‘people-and-their-circumstances’. It was the unwelcome but necessary reprimand for doing so in one occasion that stung like you wouldn’t believe. Like vinegar over a series of papercuts when I wasn’t ready for it. Turns out I’d accumulated them from the previous week – unbeknownst to me.  I hadn’t realised that when I’d tried to take pages of anxiety from panicking friends, that I’d be a little papercut in the process. But mine are only small – and now that I realise them, I’ll cover myself a little more carefully.

I don’t want what they have. Theirs is a hard process and conflicted understanding. It’s sore a lot of the time and it’s hard to watch – and all you can do sometimes is just sit in silence (with or without tears).  I think what scared me the most was that having spent everyday with one heartbroken friend or another, by the end of the week I’d started to doubt the good, healthy relationship I had in own my life. That was the biggest shock.  But I think it was caught early, and now guarded a little more knowingly.

Times like these, one can close tired eyes and imagine we were all bigger than our bodies.  That we were stronger, brighter, braver, wiser and a little more giant and a little less human; a little more noble, a little less rash. Ah, imperfection – we love, we hate.

In lighter news, I went to a wedding, then a circus, then the best and most comfortable bbq party I’ve been at for a while, over the weekend… it was nice, really nice – I have amazing friends! Beautiful people – I will try not to fix you, I have myself to work on…

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