the dance of the ink riddled fingers

embarrassment

Posted in epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 10/03/2012

Can we talk about money for a minute? I don’t think I’ve ever really blogged about the monetary element in my life… mostly because it’s embarrassing and there is little profit in attaching to a public profile (here, blog) anything embarrassing.  People don’t speak often of their embarrassing moments, myself included – especially when one has friends enough to do it for them.

But heck, here goes.

It’s embarrassing getting into an accident one cannot afford – and I say this ashamedly – and I’ve been in accidents, none of which I could, myself, afford.  It’s embarrassing not being able to immediately afford to pay accounts to friends. It’s embarrassing not being able to afford  to contribute to your sister’s 21st birthday present.  It’s embarrassing.  Oh, I’ve said embarrassing this whole time, I couldn’t decide between ’embarrassing’ and ‘humiliating’.

However, though humiliated and a little/a lot embarrassed,  I have enough to get by on, which is wonderful and refreshing to revisit sometimes – when excess is not currently in stock – but just a little embarrassing when you’ve gotten used to living a little more generously, monetary wise.  Hahaha, fondly, I recall my richest days – the days when I would walk into op-shops and buy an item or three, when I would walk into book shops and out with a wonderful new children’s book or a secondhand coffee table book, when I could tell a friend that lunch/coffee was on me, when I could afford to buy presents and go out to eat with friends and buy the cheapest meal on the menu twice/thrice a week.  That was my prime and I thought I was the richest girl in the world – sure I would live from payday to payday, but I lived in what I knew as a wonderful abundance, where creativity forced me to be a little more resourceful.  Now, I pay preciously for amazing opportunities after which I live much more carefully because of.

It’s embarrassing not being able to afford the little things – I think that’s what I miss. I don’t mind not being able to afford the big things, because I seldom could, ever.  On Tuesday (payday) I bought myself an $8 ring, a $12 little musical thing and a $6.50 lunch – and that was indulgent. I knew it was indulgent, but that was because I hadn’t yet checked the email account that informed me of plans for friends’ birthday gifts or accounts in credit – so that was a little disappointing.  It makes one feel a right fool trying to suppress the thought that going out with a few girls for a mere dinner might cost half of what one has to live on for the next fortnight. Yeah, it puts a leak in one’s pride – especially with Western culture so measurably bent on finance.

But I suppose embarrassment’s an invisible thing.  It’s something only I can recompense on my own.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t say this for your sympathies (I don’t want these), I say this only because if I were to read this from somebody else, it would make me sigh relief, “oh, I’m not alone”.  Especially in this time – GFC – I don’t know why it seems like nobody in my world has been effected by it – are we all really that well off, or do some of us pull off the “just enough” with undented smiles that nobody else need offer sympathies in what spreads like contagious embarrassment.

Hello, I’m doing OK. I’ve been better, but I also know there’s much worse. I can’t live as liberally as I used to before, and though I don’t plan to be in this financially awkward place for a very long time, it keeps me grounded and I’ll share a moment with whoever else understands.

I don’t want to be embarrassed by my financial state, why should I?  I think I’m doing quite well with my money management, actually!  I just might not join all the dinners and lunches, and might not be able to afford your birthday presents and coffees.  But I’m still living in abundance – just learning to recognise it in different ways.  I’m still in the richest percentile of humanity – and if you’re reading this via an internet connection, apparently you are too.

I have a suspicion that speaking about the different things that embarrass us helps to reconcile the notion within ourselves.

That, or I just talk a lot and it makes me feel better.

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One Response

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  1. saNdra said, on 12/03/2012 at 1:37 PM

    hey nicole!
    hope ya accident wasn’t too serious ><"
    Money is a funny thing. I haven't really wrapped by head around it .

    take care!


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