the dance of the ink riddled fingers

as if she knew

Posted in thought spills by enisea on 30/04/2012

“What do you want?” has been the slightly aggressive enquiry of late.  As if to assume everyone knows this. They look at me and wait, as though it was second grade math and a response should’ve come swifter.  So I stutter or shrug my shoulders or try subtly to change the topic.  It’s not my favourite question at all! I am indecisive, see.  Especially in matters of material negligibles.  Hence the question fails to tickle my fancy.  And although I understand and appreciate the thoughtfulness of being asked, it’s a rough question and a demanding reveal, which I would faster meet with defensive humour than answer honestly.

I’m a gifts and words person, so you can imagine my cringe at obligatory pleasantries.  I don’t think many of my friends understand the concept of giving or gifting. There is much less thought about it nowadays, yet so much more expectation, so much more material about it.

To be frank, it makes me a little uncomfortable.

I suppose my somewhat nonchalant manner about birthdays has come across as laziness. But it’s a combination of two things: firstly, I don’t want to make as big a deal of myself when really I’m no more qualified to be doted upon than the next person; and secondly, I fear the shallow death of meaningful words or gifts.  I think the best gifts are given without cliché or expected date, and merely for the occasion that Love thought of another.

Having said this, I believe in petty little occasions to celebrate life and lives surrounding. I see celebrations as occasions of joy, encouragement and praise, for both the person(s) and in thanks to God.  I think one day of special treatment can do the world of good for somebody who just needed a reminder that they are indeed loved, to boost them away from edging loneliness… and sometimes, birthdays serve to remind us to love others and be grateful in a day with a tad more significance.

I don’t know what my point is… again. I just wanted to say something about birthdays because they confuse me.  There seems to be considerable portions of amplified emotion in these annual events particularly.  It’s unnerving.

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