the dance of the ink riddled fingers

for what it’s worth

Posted in epiphany tiffany by enisea on 06/07/2012

Lately, I’ve caught myself talking a lot of smack. What I mean is that I’ve managed to convince myself (and everyone else) I care about a heck of a lot of things… when in fact, I think very little of them – I’m sure I’ve said this before.  I’m not going to regale you with them lest I incriminate myself – though I won’t be surprised if you’ve seen right through my lip service and already know.  I think I have to force myself to remember what worthy things are worth.  I’ve been swept up by society’s apathy and neglect of humility, purity and kindness – we live in a cut-throat, unkind and expensive society.  As though we put on our most convincing I’m-fine-don’t-challenge-it face, leave the house to put on a show and make it home a liar.  I thought I had an idea of who I was becoming, but at this point I’m not so sure.

Sadly, I’ve begun to wear more of the grit I swore I would never wear when I was younger, naive and convinced I would change the world, fighting gloom with laughter.  Alas now, as I’ve started to realise the stink of self-gratification is making me sick not because I’m surrounded by selfish people, but because it’s rising off me(!); I’m wanting desperately to scrub myself of the stuff.  Why I began to walk through murky places and stain the character I wanted to develop is obviously because I didn’t value it much after I decided I wanted to wear it, so to speak.  Speckling myself carelessly (accidentally) because everyone else was doing it and although reluctant the first few times, convinced myself it wouldn’t matter – but it did matter. It does matter. It’s worth a lot and I’ve been forgetting.  But it’s nothing to despair over – those days of self-despise and pitiful depression are over.  I’ve just got to go to a safe, clean place, take off these stained mannerisms, inspect critically and scrub the particularly grubby areas, and then on be wary of the places I walk through – avoiding especially, those self-indulgent, greedy, materialistic and proud places I found myself frequenting lately.  It’s a hard and fast, this life.

I’ve been thinking I need to spend about 5 whole minutes (which seems like a long time for a little while) at the start of every day telling myself what is valuable in life because I’ve been getting the order very jumbled up and topsy-turvy, excluding important things/people from my memory completely! To be honest, I’ve tried so many different strategies to make myself remember what is good and important in life and there’s a fair chance this strategy won’t last any longer than the previous ones, but for what it’s worth (everything), if I can remind myself for one more day how important life is, and what is important in life, that’s victory enough. I find that humanity’s pattern of taking routine for granted means I’ll forever be inventing different ways to remember what it’s worth… what I’m worth.

And I suppose it’ll take me a lifetime to figure that out…

but I’ve heard it’s worth it.


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