the dance of the ink riddled fingers

appreciating in sleep deprevation

Posted in how was your day? by enisea on 23/10/2013

The dilemma is whether to sleep or… not sleep.  I lose myself sometimes, and I don’t even know what I thought about, or if I thought about anything.

Right now, the wisest thing to do is sleep.  But I’ll be honest, nine days out from walking down the aisle and I finally know what it is to have restless nights.  I never have problems sleeping and will black out usually 64 seconds after my head hits the pillow and my eyes close.  And that still applies in crazy moments like now, so I just don’t go to bed till it’s past my bedtime (11:30pm) and accept the repercussions, like delirium.

It’s everything all at once.  The remembering what we still need to prepare, the packing my things into bags and boxes, the letting go of childhood sentiment, the daydreaming about the big day.  A big part of it is the packing.  I didn’t think it would be this emotionally exhausting packing my life to start up again.  Gee, it’s ridiculously refreshing throwing out the many things that I collected and cared about as a child, that don’t really hold that much value.  It’s nice to know that I care less about “stuff” now.  The toys I liked, the things I used to think were cool, the broken things I refused to throw out – they aren’t coming with me.

But neither is the family that I live with now.  I mean, I’ll visit – but that’s exactly it… it’ll be a visit.  I can’t really imagine what it’ll be like.  I try to.  I don’t get very far.

I have nothing really to say here. I just want to ramble and sit and stay awake.  There is a lot of excitement, but there is a lot of weight too.  This is a big deal.  I’ve never made this large a life decision before.  I’ve never been this far away from family and I’ve never lived with this man I’m about to marry.  It’s all starting to sink in, and I just want to think about it for a whole day, uninterrupted by work, wedding planning, this or that. I just want to sit and think and be blank and do nothing “productive” because I just want to take it all in.  But I know that’s not possible and that’s OK, and it’s probably why I’ll sacrifice my sleep for a few nights because I need some time.  I really need this time.

I’m getting married.

I’m not going to be a Fong anymore.

I’m going to have somebody other than my parents looking after me.

I’m going to have to look after myself and my husband.

I’m really starting to appreciate my last days as a “child”. I know, I know, twenty four year olds probably shouldn’t identify themselves as children.  But marriage really is saying goodbye to childhood.  It’s different.  It’s different.  I take none of this lightly.  I am leaving the umbrella of my parents and opening up my own, and I’ll start taking care of a whole new family, raising them to get further than me in life and to do greater things.

My life is full of love.

So. Much. Hallelujah.

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One Response

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  1. Sandra said, on 03/11/2013 at 11:56 PM

    Congrats Nicole!!! May God continue to bless you on all that you do =]


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