the dance of the ink riddled fingers

this is peace.

Posted in epiphany tiffany, pin the tail on the love, thought spills by enisea on 04/02/2014

I’m learning about peace. About what it means to place all my uncertainty and trust in God.

I’m trying to learn about what it means not to get offended and what it means to pray a tiny little bit more.

I think I’m beginning to taste the eventual joys about letting oneself shrink; being curious about how God would allow growth in imperfection.

I am learning about how God likes the little people who don’t know how to do things. As He usually likes to do things differently from the people who think they know how to do things anyway.

I’m beginning to enjoy the stories from the Bible again like a child having discovered an adventure novel in the adult non-fiction section of literature.

…and I’m totally enamoured by my husband who inspires me all the time because he can’t get his head out of this particular adventure book.

This is peace.

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looking upwards and onwards!

Posted in pin the tail on the love, thought spills by enisea on 13/01/2014

It seems that life has keep me busy enough to have not been keeping up with social media and the blogosphere.  Sometimes I’m tempted to flash up envy-worthy photos of my life, because I’ve had the time of my life and I’ve never enjoyed living so much before… but then I never get around to it and I try to remind myself that I don’t need people to think I’m cool for me to enjoy life to the full.  I honestly don’t know when I’ll next write, because everything is happening at the same time in brilliant ways, so here’s my life :

I’m into my third month of marriage.  Aside from loving everything about my new life with this madman, I’m trying to be watchful not to make life into too much of a routine, or take it for granted.  Because routines and complacency go hand in hand, and this incredible relationship with my husband is much too precious for me to leave in the hands of autopilot.  Yes, I hear the smirks of older couples saying “just you wait”. But I’m not waiting, I’m acting now to try to teach myself from the beginning, how to live each day as it’s own and not as a carbon copy of the week before.  Sounds like something people start to say when things start feeling older.  But I don’t ever want to feel like things are getting old, ordinary and dull.  It’s almost a phobia.  Even though our life and love together is “new” and nothing yet is quite old or settled, I still try to think of new ways to tell my man I love him.  I’ve wondered before if I’d ever use up all the “new” too early and run out of ideas by the time I’m forty – but I trust that we are as creative as our Creator; and remind myself that the thought of living a boring life is ridiculous and definitely avoidable.  Love has been around for as long as forever and surely there are enough new things to discover about it and to express it by that will exceed a lifetime of enjoyment.

I’m learning that every part of this “moving out” learning process is time consuming and a little tiring.  I still haven’t completely moved out of my parents’ house and need to clean out that old room that reeks of adolescence and clutter.  Learning to keep a little house in order and clean, also time consuming. Oh, and the cooking! Learning is slow, though steady – how I admire my mother.  Lo, having a grateful and encouraging husband helps plenty!

We’ve been talking on health this year and I think it might take years to learn and establish healthy lifestyle trends. Healthy eating, exercising, well resting… on top of a healthy prayer life and social life.  Of course, having just got married, the next step is to expand our family of two, right?  Don’t start spreading rumours, it probably won’t be immediately (there is too much for me to learn).  I’m not keen on bringing a child into the world without first knowing that our lives are at their healthiest and that we are well practiced in living life optimally.  So that when it comes to teaching said lifestyle for a quick little learner, it’s going to be easily reiterated by the example of our own lives. I’ve never been that healthy before – but I’m excited about being.

Then there is social life – and I presume this will take a little time calibrating. Because two have become one, we have to be smart in how socialising fits, because we can’t really maintain doubling in social events. It helps we have overlapping friendships, but uni days are over and I can’t spend every night out with everybody else anymore!

Lastly, this has been a large part of my thoughts today – children.  I have children, none of them “mine”. Something I’m learning about is how much you need to care about children to work with them to achieve everything that humanity hoped would ever be accomplish – which I would fall short of on my own.  This year, my scope of children to care for and be responsible for has widened to an uncomfortable many.  Sometimes I’m amazed that so many people trust me.  Other times, I’m amazed not everything has fallen to pieces when left with me.  And through all my years of working with children, volunteering and having bursting ideas of how to change the world… it is now that I feel least ready.  I felt more ready when I started, and now I’m really learning what it takes – and I’m not in any hurry to jump headlong into it – though the opportunity now arises. But maybe that’s why the time is now, because as I’ve grown a little more into adulthood, I feel more like a child staring at life’s playground with one handful of ideas and another hand holding mine.

But bring on the playground, the falling down, the getting up, the swinging fast and high and the walking around and watching others play.  Bring on the playing with old friends, making new friends, getting scared and getting over it.  Bring on learning to share or protecting and looking after special things.  Give me the chance to prove you wrong or right but smile up to your ears.

There is no other way to explain it – the only way I will make it through 2014 laughing and triumphant, is if Jesus existed, liked me and chose to help me with absolutely everything in life.  Because looking at it now, it could have swallowed me by now. But even if it does, this time next year, at least I’ll be able to tell you what the inside of a whale looks like.

Happy New Year, friends.

Do something stupendous with your life this year…

and tell a great story – and if you can’t find somebody to listen, tell me!

offended by the world

Posted in epiphany tiffany, he said she said, thought spills by enisea on 30/09/2013

I’ve battled lately with many injustices.  It seems as though there has never been a time where I have been so offended by the world – in its distasteful rituals and popular stupidities.  Suffice to say, it had begun to weigh me down, heavily – sinking my joy and hurting my heart.  It doesn’t help either, to have a memory that reverberates alarm bells that don’t have an off switch and erupt too frequently.  It’s been a little torturous to watch those I love fill their heads with uselessness, caring about inanimate objects and disregarding people, thinking “it’s not that bad” that so many children are robbed of irreplaceable values and spoilt of worthless things.  It scares me that character is secondary to exteriors and that the idols of children and adults alike aren’t usually the most wonderful people on the planet, grateful of life and who purpose to represent love.  I’m quite torn to be in a “free” country where the government speaks horribly of whoever else wants to govern and where the people have little/no respect for leadership, or each other.  And the list goes on.

I’ve been greatly offended by how things are because I’m a dreamer. Growing up, I believed the world could be a better place.  I used to think that people wanted the best for each other and would protect each other from harm.  I still believe that, I’m just continually shocked when that’s not the case.

But thinking this way is killing me.  It is taking a toll on everything in my life, being constantly in pain and up in arms about the inexhaustible injustices that reoccur universally very, very often.  It really only occurred to me this morning how stupid it is for measly me to try to solve these infinite issues in my head or let it make me sick to the bone, all the time.  My gut churns every time I read something that horrifies me – abuse, neglect, selfish agendas, ignorant falsities – especially regarding children.  Especially when I realise that children are growing up in a place that values selfishness and to protect themselves they too must be selfish and take advantage of each other and let the opinions of others govern their lives.  I tell you, I get heartburn every time I listen/watch/read the news, which is why I now avoid the stuff.

I can’t carry this by myself. I am one 24 year old who is already beginning to tire of relentless heartbreak.  Even the joys in my own life (know that they are enormous): upcoming marriage to a very incredible man, the wonderful children I get to work with, the amazing people who surround me, the excitement about life… even they cannot outbalance the violations that I know happen around the world.  This is not the way to live.  I cannot sustain my offence without it taking me out and calling me another victim.  That is not how to win a war against the evil in this world.

And that’s exactly what this is: this is war.  I’ve begun to see more and more how good wars with evil and as viral as evil is, good will still always prevail, albeit it not appearing that way.  I’m beginning to realise that to be overcome with offence by injustice is only going to riddle me with pain.  You cannot fight an enemy by being constantly wounded, nor by being afraid of it, and crying that it should never have happened.  You fight evil with good.  You fight selfishness with love.  You fight weakness with smiles. You fight deception by knowing surely, who you are.

All I needed to know was that it wasn’t ever my job to fight for the planet, it is my job to live with love in my vicinity.  What relief it brought me to remember that of course there are millions of others who are also living love, effectively winning battles on injustice.  It wasn’t ever my own heart that broke easily.  In fact, if I look back – it was me who asked God if I could know even a fraction of his heartbreak for the world.  Hence, now I have somewhat an understanding of a fraction of what God feels about dear Earth and every child.  Spoiler alert, this war – crazily enough, has already been won.  Good has already prevailed, love has already dashed evil.

The battle was never about who would win.  Because as seemingly “close” as it all seemed to ordinary eyes, it wasn’t a close battle.  Love always won, and always won by a mile.

The battle wasn’t over who would win.  It was over you.

We are fighting for you, from every child to every elderly on the planet.  Because Love has won the war, we just want to make sure Love has won you too.

Alas my domain is right here, Melbourne, right now, and as long as I’m grounded here, I (and my husband to be), are going to be trying to win you to love.

I couldn’t be more happy to let God fight my battles for me, and I’ve found freedom in realising I need not be offended by the world!  Rather than being crippled by the stories of cruelty and ruins in humanity, I carry on by giving it to God in prayer and continuing to live as best I can with love.

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do
(Helen Keller)

what madness, this.

Posted in how was your day?, thought spills by enisea on 11/08/2013

This madness is snowballing in the most ridiculous, incredible and almost overwhelming ways!

Never have I felt so enthralled, rushed and happy-scared in my life.  As though I were waiting for this wave, lying patiently on a surfboard as the greatest wave I’ve yet to have seen wells behind me.  And having turned around and started paddling, the wave urges my board onwards and I try my hardest to stand to my feet and keep balance as the momentum gains and I find myself gliding in awe to the shore.

Sure, 82 days mightn’t sound like a very short time for you.  But when there are only 40 days until the next school holidays and each working week flies because children move fast and every weekend until then has been planned for.  When those two weeks of school holidays will be heavily spent in painting and moving things into the humble abode my husband-to-be and I will call our home.  And amidst trying to plan for teaching, and a wedding and honeymoon, I’ve got to train for that half marathon I stubbornly signed up for in October.

Needless to say, I have more on my plate than normal and the only way I will survive it all very well is by the grace of God!

In the next five days… I’ve got to write an article for the local paper, prepare for this coming sunday’s kid’s church lesson, get back into marathon training, hand over my teaching roll and train up another, complete my VIT application, meet with a couple of wedding prep people, volunteer at the church’s community feed and find time for one date-night midweek.  I’m a little dizzied by the week already but every time I start to lean towards anxiety, I run quickly into the arms of a saving God – whom none of this phases.  And even when seemingly time poor, while wondering very curiously how everything is going to be paid for, somehow I lack nothing.  Somehow there is enough time/money/love to go around.  Somehow I am still richer now than I ever have been.  The amazing part is that the peace grows every day to swallow the mounting responsibility and ambition that I seem to accumulate.

It appears to me that one can become climatised to madness.  I’ve testing that if you often give occasion to your feet to hit the ground running, they will become used to doing so.  I tell you, with clumsy feet like mine, apparently all things are possible.  It probably helps being in love with a madman whose life is also very very full, who is also extremely ambitious and endlessly encouraging, supportive, constructive and a man who inspires me to run to keep up with him.  This life is crazy, and something would be wrong if it wasn’t.  This love is mad and it keeps me alive and fighting.  This light is refreshing and hope never ceases.

I could wish that everybody tastes madness in life – the good kind, where you can barely understand it but love every moment about it.

I would hate to be overwhelmed by the craziness of this world; to be disheartened and afraid.  Peace is my salvation and a ferocious love guards me from the harshness of uncertainty.  I am certain that I am safe. I am sure that good comes from every circumstance.  Freedom is mine and I am loved.

It exists. It really does.

hello frank

Posted in how was your day?, thought spills by enisea on 06/05/2013

I’m sorry I took so long, but I’ve got a lot to tell you in only a few words. ‘Few’ because it’ll take too long to decide which words to use, not to mention not completely understanding the ‘a lot’ that is actually happening to me.

Something is happening to me.

There, I was frank.

As you may/may not have been able to tell by my last year of writing/bloggerneglect, I was stuck in a straight place for a long/short while (depends what you’d consider about a year – I can’t even measure how long it is).  Despite life being great over my entire life, it was not its best.  I’ve struggled with particular frustrations since I learnt how to think critically.  Life was a love-hate thing which I tug-o-warred with.

And now, in my uncleverly gathered attempt at coherent explanation, I do, so much, want to tell you about how awkwardly life is being broken down for me into matters of importance.

The way I’ll tell you “something is happening to me”, I can only imagine describing to you in the sense that the world looks different from where I stand now. That, or I’m standing in a different place.  And I’m not going to humour you with blah blah blahs on  what might sound like my ‘state of enlightenment’, but all I know is that I’m discovering freedom.  I’m tasting it.

I’ll be  resolute in that I don’t want to forget it.

Truth is concrete and love is sand – go and rub some in your eyes and start realising the world differently.

That is all.

Ps: writing ability is actually secondary.

madness

Posted in heroes of mine, pin the tail on the love, thought spills by enisea on 08/04/2013

It doesn’t take much.
Not much at all.

Just a little trust, and a little hope, a little smile and a shared thought. Then a little more trust, a little more hope; bigger smiles and developing understandings. They all began to make sense over 474 days. Turns out, I’d begun to see my highest hopes in another person.  As though everything I’d hoped for was hidden in one man.

And no, he wasn’t perfect, nor was he Jesus.

Therefore I couldn’t possibly want him, or rely on him, or give my life to him. Could I?

...mm, maybe, I could.

Maybe I could trust a man who wasn’t Jesus.  Maybe this idealist could be completely enamoured by one rugged and imperfect man.

He thought/thinks differently.  I can’t actually remember when it happened but he became  more and more interesting.  He fed my curiousity with various dreams, ideologies and questions.  He kept me intrigued with the world, being my personalised broadcaster of current and historic knowledge.  I learned of everything I had never seemed interested in, nor care about, nor knew about – until he began to introduce me to a wider world.  I often still maintain disinterest, but now by choice, not ignorance.

He treats me as though I am the most beautiful person in the world, and I still don’t really know how to apply make-up.  But he prefers it that way.  He makes me laugh, he makes me feel like I’m the sensible one frequently because he’ll have no problem being ridiculous.  He’d sometimes be defensive, few times irritable and often boyish.  Occasionally vulnerable and seriously charming.  He doesn’t always hold the door open for me, but sometimes he will.  Sometimes he’d pick me up and hang me upside down.  And to be honest, I can’t really remember what it was that drew me to him.

It’s madness.  Madness to be in love.  Madness to want almost pathetically just to be in the company of this other person. To learn more about them, study them all the time, give them more than you’d give yourself.  It’s madness being so thrilled by the simple things that he’d do, the minute things he might say and how his touch could bring instant safety.  There aren’t hands in the world warmer than his.  And there isn’t facial hair in the world that keeps me as entertained as his does.  It’s funny because he can’t exactly sing, but I love it most when he does.  The times I’ve felt the strongest are when I’ve tried my best to keep him up.  Nevertheless, have I ever felt so protected!  I’ve never had such great conversations as I’ve had with him.  Never stretched my imagination as far as I have with him.  I’ve never been so open to life, love, learning and truth (correction).  I’ve never admired somebody this close before.  Never felt so sure as I do now.

Never been this mad. This madness is so exhilarating one might easily mistake it for nonsensibility.  But it is very sensible to be in love.  In a world where we are taught to love ourselves, the only way to rebel against such flawed systems is to love another.

They say I’m young.  They say I’ll learn about how hard it can be committing life with somebody else.  That once we’re bound by covenant and surname that everything unglorious rears it’s head.  Well, mind the inaccurate quoting, but it seems very much inferred. And maybe they’re right.  Maybe my 30, 40 or 50 year old self will read this again and laugh at my 23 year old naivety.  But then again, maybe not.  Maybe my 60 year old self will read this, smirk and whisper “that was when our love was small”.

This is us.  This is madness.

engagement is amazing

finding everything

Posted in handfuls of ambition, thought spills by enisea on 02/01/2013

I didn’t mean to find it. It was smaller than anyone else would’ve thought, especially because I happened to find everything in it.  When you happen upon a hole, few people look in it, because the darkness usually satisfies the assumption of most – that it is empty.  Isn’t that what a hole is – by definition? Space missing, emptiness, the break in a continual surface, etc, etc.

Ah ha! And that is why this hole was brilliant.  Because how often do you come across a hole with everything in it?  It wore the usual unsuspecting “nothingness” about it, just like the others, but it wasn’t. It was different.  It was different this time.  And I won’t be able to tell you where it is, because knowing the greediness of humanity, if I told you where to find it, somebody might try to make the hole bigger (and destroy some of the everything, making it only something more than nothing).  Or somebody else might try to take it away and keep it for themselves. I mean, I have nothing against sharing everything, I just get a little sad when those with little imagination have no radar of their own and fade into the lack-lustre world they surround themselves in.  Where gravity is “rational thinking”, “common sense”, “realism”, “cold hard brick, dirt and stone”; and where the rest of their kind become obstacles.  The blue, green or purple in their eyes leaking colourful perspective, and their stares, merely gray – excited only by prospects of having everything (the wrong way).  They are the poorest of our kind.

But I’ve got a constant watch on that hole with everything in it.  Because I’m looking for people.  Only people with enough curiosity and wonder will survive well in the hardest places.  Only those who look into what looks little or “nothing” and who can find everything worth smiling about.  Because  I’m looking for a kind of people, a kind people.  I’m looking for the richest people in the world – who eyes are as big as their hearts, whose imagination has to be folded 7 times to fit in their bodies.  I’m looking for others out there who will find everything with me, and then teach somebody and somebody else how to find everything too.  Starting in the simplest places, like a hole in a fence, or the smile on a face, in a wink or waterhole, or a delayed train (which was only late because it had to first travel to a demanding child’s imagination before arriving at Glen Waverley, Melbourne).

Open you’re eyes  – there is everything for you.

whose fault is it that we have teenagers?

Posted in how was your day?, thought spills by enisea on 14/11/2012

Ok, so you see the occasional article on facebook. Here’s one that made me smirk.  Sure, there are elements of truth in here, there are elements of urgency, and there are elements of wisdom – meanwhile there is also frustration, a neglect of responsibility on community/parent responsibility… and a sadness that people will forever argue over the menial technicalities when we all actually agree with wanting the world to be a better place.

Our teenagers are our offspring (ok, so I don’t have children, you get my drift).  They are the product of our community!  They weren’t unwilling dropped from another planet – if they learnt apathy/disrespect/self-pity/laziness, where do you think they learnt that from?

And if the community didn’t raise these children, who has, and why did we let them?

I’m not at all disqualifying everything the article said – I agree! I’m just wondering how many young people are able to say their parents/community are the first examples they have of responsible people who are giving their time, energy and talent so that no one will be at war, in sickness or lonely again.

How could our generation, one day, be the parents to showcase that?

about the Fraids.

Posted in epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 03/10/2012

Fraids. Little beings with an incredible capacity to create the most mesmerising compositions together!  They were every third shade of every second colour of the rainbow, that’s how they were related.  Some were softer than others, and some were rather distinct.  Fraids didn’t even always coordinate well with just any other either, just as not every colour combination is quite complementary.  This said, it usually didn’t take them long to work out awkward arrangements to something more coherent and altogether.  You can be sure that every time you saw something inspiring, it was the Fraids making a new arrangement.  And if you listened with utmost care, you might even have heard them nudge or bark at each other with cute demand (don’t tell them I said “cute”, though their voices are tiny, the ones with deeper voices never like that description).

Sometimes though, at a moment of concussion, one may wander from the rest, become disorientated and end up alone.  That didn’t work, because Fraids stuck together; and when they didn’t or when they weren’t trying to, they’d get upset and each would walk away to their own little corner.  There were many corners in their world, some especially sharp and others especially cold.  Now, when in a corner, each Fraid would miss the others and the warmth of company that they often danced around each other.  Trust me, had you ever been danced around and giggled over until the climate perfects to a balmy 23 degrees no matter what time of day it is, then you would miss it too.

That’s the thing, Fraids were beautiful because they worked together, because they were overjoyed at each other and they seldom wanted anything quite contrary to the bigger and grander picture.  They existed as a family; and because they always found each other and always rescued each other, they weren’t ever alone for more than 14 seconds. They weren’t all on about themselves and how to promote their own particular shade, colour or characteristic.  They were all about each other.  The delight they had over each other was sincerely impressively and admirable.

They were Fraids. They were together.
You’d be hard pressed to find Fraids in disarray, let alone a Fraid.
Never a Fraid for more than 14 seconds.

Imagine that!

the unvirtuous wife

Posted in epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 25/06/2012

Proverbs 31:10-31 in reverse.

Who would want to find an unvirtuous wife?
For her worth is not apparent.

In his heart, her husband cannot trust her
Because of the distrust, progress is absent

She does him little good
All the days of her life.

She is never resourceful or creative
And is unwilling to work or be useful.

She is like a sinking ship
Her cargo goes to waste and nobody is satisfied

She sleeps in – and has never demonstrated diligence or discipline
Her family never eat breakfast and are seldom fed at home
She hasn’t the capacity to be considerate to those outside her family

The few big decisions she makes are poorly thought through
She makes a loss and blames another.

She has the resilience, endurance and perseverance of a toothpick
And is always the victim

She complains that all her things are not good enough
And never has enough oil, so her lamp burns out too early in the day.

She does not push herself or try very hard
And she doesn’t know what to do with her hands, they haven’t been taught how to be useful.

There is no poverty that moves her
She has never been charitable and offers no compassion to others.

She fears change and/or hardship
And is never prepared, so her household suffer.

She cannot do anything for herself,
And she is not complimented or thought highly of by the way she dresses and carries herself

Her husband isn’t a recognised person
And has yet to excel in his job (or be supported to).

With her spare time, she goes shopping
And does not know the extent of her debt.

Weakness and dishonor clothe her
She never looks hopefully ahead.

She opens her mouth with foolishness
And her tongue is cruel and harsh.

She never knows what goes on in her household
And is ignorant of time, therefore wastes it perpetually.

Her children disregard her and have no pride in her
Her husband too, and he complains about her.

“Many women have made mistakes,
But you have made more than most of them combined”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing
And a woman who has little regard for anyone, let alone God, has little to be praised for.

Give her what she deserves, what she has worked for
And let her achievements cause her to be recognised.

weak hearts, small life, bland colours – poor form, humanity, poor form.

Posted in epiphany tiffany, pin the tail on the love, thought spills by enisea on 22/06/2012

I don’t think either of us really visualised what we said we’d do. Scrounging his car for paper (because for once I didn’t bring my well-equip bag), we managed to find relatively blank spaces on one page in some magazine, and tore five pieces from it.  After bouncing ideas off each other in a brief brainstorm we wrote few words on each tear of magazine and drove to the sheltered car park nearby. The metal inhabitants were few and we, like guilty children, pointed to one car or another and stealthily slid small inscriptions under windscreen wipers.

There’s something about trying to make the world a better place, one smile at a time, together, that makes me remember how much more exciting life is when not (always) self-revolving.  There’s something about the combination of love and creativity that opens a person to how much more can be extracted from life.  As though to unlock an unimaginable spectrum of unexplored intrigue within each conventional colour, because unless you begin to pry at each individual colour, you won’t find the rainbows in each hue.

I’m beginning to think there is so much more to human interaction than society has taught us, as though we’ve robbed ourselves of rich opportunity because we forgot/were never taught how to love from the beginning.  Why must you know them before you love them?  Why must our first subconscious thought be so self-revolving along the lines of making good first impressions, to be liked, or thoughts on “how will this occasion/person benefit/entertain me?”… as opposed to “how can I make their day?”

Melbourne streets (and I hear, it has spread further) have been sadly infected with the horrible epidemic of the never-make-eye-contact-with-strangers-and-don’t-smile-and-look-as-unhappy-as-you’ve-convinced-youself-your-life-is.  And if you walk streets, everyone is too involved in their own small world to love and be loved by their own kind (and so long as you’re human, we are all the same kind).

Having been brought up in this culture, it is no wonder then, that such simple and token things as purposely placing a few words on a stranger’s windscreen would make me feel like the most benevolent twenty-three year old I know!  And isn’t that the most tragic thing? That I would think that nice little efforts were more than a drop in the ocean!  That we have forgotten how to (truly) love humanity because we’ve decided our hearts are not strong enough too – that we can only love so few; and because we give so little practice to our little thumping figurative organs, they really don’t grow all that strong.  The misconception that once hurt, a heart is forever injured (and give me life-suport for the rest of my life) is first-world foolishness (too easily reinforced by chic-flicks).  Not that I have done any research, but from memory, the greatest lovers of humanity were the ones that hurt most but whose hearts kept pumping, whose resolves and dreams weren’t crippled by feeble emotion or selfish “feed me” mentalities and whose minds throbbed with creativity.

And don’t you who I’ve just accused go and feel pathetic because there’s now one more thing wrong with you. Do something about it, nobody’s going to save you, you have to figure it out yourself.  And I know all you ever wanted was somebody to understand you, and love you for who you are, but when was the last time you made the effort to understand somebody else, for the sake of loving them? For the sake of love!  For goodness sake!

And here’s the disclaimer: I’m not even close.  I’m aware I’m incredibly deep in selfishness, absorbed in my own fat ideas of how important I am; and having mastered my disguise of self-centredness, have fooled most into thinking I’m a “good person”. But hey, little by little you’ve got to to love more, because if you don’t and if you aren’t trying to, you’re shrinking the definition of love into something that is, well, a lie. I didn’t even imagine this is what I’d write about – I was just going to tell you about last night’s date night with the boyfriend… but the pen turned on me and now all I want to say is: shame on humanity for not loving more and for not teaching us how to.  It’s now our responsibility to change that.

to the lonely

Posted in 52 pickup, pin the tail on the love, thought spills by enisea on 19/06/2012

I hate(d) being lonely when I was/am lonely.  It was the enemy that had chained me up and locked me away periodically through the second half of my life and made me swear to rescue others. So I chose many of my friends on the basis that they were lonely and I could help them, because lonely people only need company when they’re lonely, don’t they?  Stupid thought.  I knew what I was doing was unsustainable, but my ambition to eradicate loneliness bit off more than I could chew…  I accumulated too many lonely friends.  I know they were too many because I would not be able to fight loneliness from all of them most of the time.  Loneliness needs company and understanding – but not just in the dire moments – in all moments (so I thought), so I was a short-term friend.  I would ferociously defend them for week, sometimes months, the lucky ones got me for a year.  And then I would find more lonely people to befriend and feel compelled to love. It’s as though friends needed to qualify for my active friendship by being in a terrible place.  It’s horrible isn’t it?  Turns out fighting loneliness was a losing battle and I watched some friends slip further because I had unfortunately reinforced the stupid lie that they were not worth remaining with.  I’d think of most friends and usually let loose a guilty sigh over them, hoping they were better, many times – knowing they were not.  Loneliness was a greedy, relentless beast – grinning cruelly at me – because it could not have me so it would have those I loved, and knew it could torture me through them.

I have diagnosed myself with an addiction to the lonely.  I cannot help myself, I wish to love the lonely people for at least a little while.  Perhaps I wasn’t aware how selfish I was being, wanting to rescue one lonely person at a time, to be someone else’s hero, to be held in high regard!  And then slowly taper away in frequency, because everyone who knew me even a little, knew me as being perpetually busy.  I over-committed and under-delivered with most things and then felt guilty 55% of the time because everything I did and everyone I knew deserved better.

The kind ones say they understand, they forgive me for forgetting them.  Others see me as a popularity chaser (since many of my popular friends were rather lonely).

Looking back at my own battle with loneliness, sure there were a few golden friends who hoisted me up from hard, sad and depressing places, but they weren’t my salvation from my fear of being unwanted… it wasn’t them – they didn’t save me… so why I thought I could be another’s salvation is beyond me!  I conquered my loneliness by the revelation that I really wasn’t alone, I wasn’t unloved, I wasn’t unvalued and I was worth somebody else’s all.  And I know you’ll probably roll your eyes at this: but my cure for loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness was realising that Jesus Christ had conquered it all before me.  That because He was with me, would never leave nor forsake me – would love me more than I knew was possible and wasn’t confined to the selfish instinct of every other human being in my life – well, I had the capacity to hope, and therefore the capacity to help.  It was He who consistently beat at my defensive walls, rebutted my perception that I wasn’t beautiful, calmed my paranoia, gently dealt with my insecurities and built me into a slightly more resilient person.  It wasn’t every other person with a lovely smile, a kind word or beautiful company.  It was love at it’s best. Because His love endured the harshest loneliness to ensure I wouldn’t be lonely – so to insist on being lonely sort of spits right at Him.

I suppose I just wanted to apologise to all of my friends for neglecting them – and they know who they are (well, all of you).  And yes, I tried to be there when you needed but I wasn’t there enough and I’m sorry, I’m genuinely sorry.  My disclaimer is that as much as I could be there for you, it would never be enough and I could never defend you effectively enough from loneliness – though I tried (though pathetically).  Honest to goodness, I say this with as much of my heart as I can.  There’s only one love that will ever complete you.  Unfortunately, without Him  you will never escape loneliness.  Everyone knows love should be perfect, and there is only one perfect love.  Fortunately, perfect love drives out all fear (of being alone, of being rejected, of not being missed); and even more fortunately – Love is incredibly delighted about you.

Take it from me, I love you (though not enough) and He loves you (enough not to give up, ever).

To the lonely, you are loved.

i wasn’t ready for today

Posted in 52 pickup, thought spills by enisea on 18/06/2012

so I tried to delay facing it, then tried to hide myself behind another, finally realising (while it was still morning) that the day would not leave me alone…

So I armed myself, gave a brave cry (much braver than I felt) and ran into what I will later tell you I was glad to conquer.

It’s June. The months of 2012 have transpired too quickly.  I wasn’t careful with my days, and I didn’t fight hard for all of them.  Before I knew it, it was a month later, and now we’re a breath away from the halfway mark in a year.  Where did it go and how did I get here?  I don’t want to be facing these same giants and mountains by 2013, I have bigger fish to fry.  Suck it up, buttercup, you know how it goes:

Life ain’t gonna get any better. You are. (I am)

The great and admirable people in the world didn’t become great and admirable by sooking over an insecure morning.  Why should I?  Strengthen self in a stronger God, Nicole.  Pull yourself together, woman!

“she ain’t pretty, soldier.”

Posted in 52 pickup, thought spills by enisea on 05/06/2012

That’s what they said when we signed up.  Not that I signed up, I don’t remember signing up. From my earliest memory, I grew up in it. They told us to brace ourselves.  Sure, the words didn’t gel because almost all of the time, their uniform was clean.  They said “we’re not perfect” but washed their stuff before pep-talking us.  In the name of giving us their best, they forgot we needed to hear that times would be worse.  They dressed and covered their injuries so it wouldn’t frighten us and their tragedies hardly marked their faces. We didn’t know them other than their sheen smiles and sparkling eyes – they told us how worthwhile it would all be, but they didn’t tell us how much it cost them to realise it.

Until I realised they weren’t unfamiliar with failure, my own devastated me.

I hardly saw them hurt.  I’d never seen them despair, so I’d never seen the process of recovering from it healthily.  Their resolves were always admirable and brave, so I couldn’t recall witnessing the weighty decision of persevering through really weak times.  Their countenance was beautiful, all the time (as far as I could tell).

So when I was hurt, when I despaired, and when I was in an ugly place – I had little idea what to do.

But now, trying to polish myself before a disorderly gathering of the few people who look up to me, I want desperately not to disappoint them.  I want them to be heartened, I want them to hope, to be strong, vigilant and admirable.  But I’m finding it hard to be enough of an example being the disorganised, emotional, imperfect person that I am. The conflict within me to be the best I can and hide my worst (because the worst in me really is pathetic – but you wouldn’t know because I’ve never told you), is ongoing. I grew up with the understanding that weakness is something to strengthen, not share (though now, I’d like to advocate both).  I want those around me to know I came from a very ordinary place, and unless the eye of the beholder perceived otherwise, I am still ordinary.

It’s hard.

Warfare in hard, and the real parts of life’s battle are fierce.  Protecting innocence against guilt and corruption, ferociously guarding loved ones, and watching cautiously not to become disoriented with the spin of arguable poisons, is not something I’m used to.  Remembering to care is a victory in itself! I have to unlearn my gullibility.  I have to think twice about carelessly throwing myself into dangerous games of “negligible importance”.  I have to fight against the current of indulgent culture and resist the bombardment of disgusting insecurity.  The stupid things we used to sing, I don’t want to sing along with anymore – the idle words, the shallow lies, self-promoting boasts, cynical spats, the occasional crudeness, the stupid smirks.  It’s like carbon monoxide poisoning – it creeps up on you and poisons you slowly, lulling you into sleepy justification until genuine, understanding and beautiful words are increasingly replaced and one’s own belief in honest, faithful humanity is suffocated.  I’ve been pretty poisoned. Shoot.

I sound horribly boring, don’t I.  As though laughter was a ceremony to participate in every year.

I just want you to know you have to be so much more aware of what you’re filling your lungs with, the influences in your life and the aspirations you chase – fashion and popularity being the most dangerous in what I’m witnessing in my friends.

It’s a catch twenty two. We all want to be beautiful, we all want to be admired! Yet it isn’t in trying to be beautiful or admired that our desire to be loved and valued is satisfied.  As it turns out, those we find beautiful and admirable are those whoknow they are loved and valued and don’t give a rip what anyone else might otherwise persuade.  I hate that when anybody mentions “beauty”, the first thing I associate it with is external and physical.

Flip. I wanted to write something cool and I began with an army theme and it just went… not as cool as I imagined.

Honestly, I’m disappointed with my writing because it’s not pretty enough and I wanted to write what I initially intended because I wanted you to think I was cool. But I’m posting this word vomit anyway because after that spat of not presenting just perfection, I’m trying to be OK not caring whether you think I’m cool or not.  I started somewhere and ended somewhere else.

Romans 7:15. My life’s dichotomy.

confronted

Posted in epiphany tiffany, thought spills by enisea on 23/05/2012

This last week has confronted me with all manner of conducts of the arguably good and arguably bad.  My moral mind has been inundated with alarming shades of gray, without warning.  So it seems as though the present is as good a time as any to re-assess what moral I’d previously leaned upon, and how much of it really does require adjustment.  I’m not who I was 6 months ago, one year ago, three years ago… and the yardsticks I used to measure my life by have weathered much – some still standing, others barely, a few buried.

There is nothing stable enough to establish my life by, that I can think of that isn’t elements of unbalanced, misguided or selfish from every other source. The only solid, grounded and rather selfless statements of philosophy and practice I have found are from the Bible. And so, it would be non-sensical for me, having come to that conclusion, to starve myself of the stuff. For if I’m sure of it, why am I not more familiar with it than I am.

I’ve just bought the “Greater Melbourne 2012/2013 Entertainment Book” – a book of vouchers that discount the array of lifestyle indulgences one might engage in the name of entertainment and leisure. Now, although I bought it a few weeks ago, I assumed I needn’t look through it until July as it would only be valid then, as I knew the previous 2011/2012 book became invalid at the end of this financial year.  To my surprise, after a casual flick through the thick book (in search of junk food discounts – shame), I read Valid now through 1 June, 2013.  The sensible thought provoking me to explore the book’s contents was, “I need to know what’s in the book so I’ll know how it’ll benefit me; and I need to familiarise myself with the different outlets it applies to, so it can save me money in as many areas of my life”. But it was the profound transposition of this statement from The Entertainment Book to The Good Book that made me release an insightful “OHH!” [delete “money” from statement in transposition].

Mm, life is all over the place. And as honest, hard and wonderful as it is, I need an anchor, I need truth (don’t give me that “everything is relative, truth is interpretive” nonsense).  I need a steady, rock-solid, non-negotiable truth which applies to everyone (pretty or not) that is above the standard of colourful, unreliable, selfish humanity.  The gray areas get dealt with because I get dealt with through scripture. My motivations, my heart, my intentions were in the constant state of review and renewal when I was reading the Bible more regularly.  The Word was my most consistent reminder of how much I needed to get over myself, and how much (much more) I needed to live for others and to God.  It was confronting, but I liked that sort of confrontation better than those I’ve met with of late.  So, again with scripture, everyday.

I much rather be confronted by what I trust as truth than uneasy, unpredictable circumstances.

Funny how the very obvious things just don’t compute until, well, a considerable time later.